If You Really Knew Me.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I can't get motivated. 

If you really knew me, you'd know that I over think everything. 

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm a choosing perfectionist. 

You'd know that I'm a horrible speller. And that I love making new friends and talking to those I've always known, but never really had a full conversation with.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm not the brightest crayon in the box. You'd know that i'm struggling trying to graduate high school.  If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm singing to myself 24/7.  You would know that I'm always dreaming.  You would know that I've been reading this out loud to myself over and over and over. And over again. And over again. And again. Trying to make myself happy. But that's a lost cause.

If you really knew me, you'd know I don't speak to my family. But I would take a bullet for them.  You'd know I would save my friends before myself.  If you really knew me, you'd know that I have a sensitive soul.  You would know that I love country music and am not afraid to sing it to you until you agree with me. Even if you won't admit it.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm terrified I'll never get married. You would know that I'm a girl. Even if my pen name is a boys.  If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm afraid I'll never be able to have kids.  You would know that I don't sleep. That I can't live in reality. You would know that I'm indecisive.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I re-read all of our texting conversations.  You would know not to lie to me. Or to tell me half truths, or to promise me anything.  Because no one keeps promises.  A promise is just a empty loaded, guilt trip, that gives you false hope to live your so called "reality" on.

If you really knew me, you would know that I'm trying to make my parents proud, but am failing.

I'm sorry.