If You Really Knew Me.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I can't get motivated. 

If you really knew me, you'd know that I over think everything. 

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm a choosing perfectionist. 

You'd know that I'm a horrible speller. And that I love making new friends and talking to those I've always known, but never really had a full conversation with.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm not the brightest crayon in the box. You'd know that i'm struggling trying to graduate high school.  If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm singing to myself 24/7.  You would know that I'm always dreaming.  You would know that I've been reading this out loud to myself over and over and over. And over again. And over again. And again. Trying to make myself happy. But that's a lost cause.

If you really knew me, you'd know I don't speak to my family. But I would take a bullet for them.  You'd know I would save my friends before myself.  If you really knew me, you'd know that I have a sensitive soul.  You would know that I love country music and am not afraid to sing it to you until you agree with me. Even if you won't admit it.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm terrified I'll never get married. You would know that I'm a girl. Even if my pen name is a boys.  If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm afraid I'll never be able to have kids.  You would know that I don't sleep. That I can't live in reality. You would know that I'm indecisive.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I re-read all of our texting conversations.  You would know not to lie to me. Or to tell me half truths, or to promise me anything.  Because no one keeps promises.  A promise is just a empty loaded, guilt trip, that gives you false hope to live your so called "reality" on.

If you really knew me, you would know that I'm trying to make my parents proud, but am failing.

I'm sorry.

Bittersweet Hell.

It's a Sunday. 8:00 p.m.
I finished all my homework and am sitting on the couch watching a movie.  Looking at the clock every 10 minutes, counting down on how much time I have left before I fall asleep.

My life is average. I wake up at 6, pee, brush my teeth, take a shower, do my make-up, hair, I get dressed, pack my backpack, and head to school around 7:21.
I come home from school around 2:32 everyday, grab a granola bar, and head to work at the elementary school. I stay there until 4:15 and then come home and eat. I put off doing my homework until 8 that night and finally settle in and finish it up before tomorrow. Once I finish the homework and can't put it off anymore, I get ready for bed.

I pray every night. Sorry to get religious on you. But I feel like it's an important detail to this story. I pray that I will be able to have a sleepless night. Literally. Because in my average life, I have dreams. Not the: I hope to be president one day, kind of dream. But the dreams that mothers wish are sweet. And the dreams that sheep try to count. I have dreams. And I have nightmares.

One day, sleeping turned into my enemy.

When I fall asleep, I dream of everything and anything. I have dreams that don't make sense. I have dreams that make me smile. Dreams that make me wish. And some that make me wait.

The catch: they all come true. Literally.

If my dreams come true, my nightmares come true. It stated off as a bittersweet gift. Turned out to be walking Hell. I won the lottery -- All my friends left me. I received a kiss from my crush -- My parents die. I could never win. Until that one night.


It was a Sunday. 8:00 p.m.
I finished all my homework and was sitting on the couch watching a movie.  Looking at the clock every 10 minutes, counting down on how much time I have left before I fell asleep.

I keeled down to pray, for that sleepless night I wish upon every night. I drag myself in bed and fight to keep my eyes open. I loose. My eyes close, and that's where my story began.

Did I have a dream or nightmare?

Am I going insane? Or is this all true?

Will I ever be cured?  

Will I live long enough to figure out my reality? 

Help me catch my dreams.

Dialogue.

1. What?

2. I didn't say anything.

1. Oh.

2. You cold?

1. No, I'm okay

2. Kay.

1. K, look, I'm-

2. Don't worry bout it.

1. I really am sorry

(Long pause)

2. (sigh) me too.

1. Do you wanna talk bout it?

2. I just, sigh, I don't know.

1. I made a mistake. I'm sorry

2. I know. I'm sorry too.

1. I'll try harder next time.

2. No, No, I mean, you did your best right?

1. I guess.

2. I'm sorry.

1. Me too. 

2. We're almost there.

1. Kay.

2. Hey, it really is fine.

1. I know, I know, I just. (sigh)

2. What?

1. I just hate disappointing you, I guess.

2. Hey. Look at me. You didn't disappoint me. 

1. I messed up.

2. I did too.

1. How did we get here?

2. I don't know.